Ug, my thoughts are so random and scattered that I have a hard time corraling them together. I suck at it when I am nervous or anxious. Sorry, but I'm not done yet.
I am still angry at my abuser. In fact, I actually hate him. It hasn't always been this way though. He was one of my best friends and I forgave him. Then, he did it again. I cared about him and I forgave him. Then, he did it again. We had mutual friends, so I forgave him and carried on around him like everything was ok. Then, he did it again.
See the cycle? I am done doing that. Everyday, I make myself hate him. For now, it is the only way I can protect himself. He is still around and I still see him. I have to hate him or I would let it all happen again. I have been told that this is wrong. I don't give a fuck what other people think. This is what works and this is what must be done for now. It won'y always be this way, but right now, I would rather hate him and be safe than forgive him and get fucked. Literally.
We have mutual friends, and I tried to protect them for a long time. I didn't want things to be awkward so I let them find middle ground between us. I never asked them to choose a side. I did not drag them into any of this.
Now, I have to realize something: what he did to me was wrong! There is no goddam middle ground or grey area! It was wrong! No more. I am done. Our mutual friends can all go fuck themselves. There is me and there is him. I will not coexizt with him. We are separate and there is no grey area about it. Unfortuantely, this means that I will lose a few friends. I am deeply saddened by that. It makes my eyes water because I love my friends. But they don't believe me and I choose to walk away.
You see, I do not have to do any of this. Technically, I could go on like before. I could even be friends with him again. I have shown myself to be more than capable of that in the past. I can do it. I choose not to. It isn't fair, it isn't right. I choose to be away from him. This includes our mutual friends and his goddam sister.
Thats the fucking end.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A Little More
I realized the last blog was too fucking long. Sorry.
Anyhow, I am not perfect. I never will be. I don't know how all of this will affect me when I'm 30. All I can do is work on myself day by day and meet this wretched life head on.
I'm jaded. Its not just that I think the world is unfair and fucked up, I KNOW it.
I feel guilty because I reacted. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I am relatively close to the friend I was talking to and I am not used to lying to him. As a rule, I do NOT lie unless I absolutely have to. And there are some people in the world whom I choose to trust that I am 100% honest with ALL the time. This time, I needed to lie. I should have pretended that everything was ok. After all, he doesn't understand at all and it would be unfair of me to ask him to. I feel bad because it mattered to me. I feel guilty that I feel bad. I feel angry because I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel angry. Damn it all.
Anyhow, I am not perfect. I never will be. I don't know how all of this will affect me when I'm 30. All I can do is work on myself day by day and meet this wretched life head on.
I'm jaded. Its not just that I think the world is unfair and fucked up, I KNOW it.
I feel guilty because I reacted. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I am relatively close to the friend I was talking to and I am not used to lying to him. As a rule, I do NOT lie unless I absolutely have to. And there are some people in the world whom I choose to trust that I am 100% honest with ALL the time. This time, I needed to lie. I should have pretended that everything was ok. After all, he doesn't understand at all and it would be unfair of me to ask him to. I feel bad because it mattered to me. I feel guilty that I feel bad. I feel angry because I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel angry. Damn it all.
So Much
My thoughts right now are scattered everywhere, so I will try to stay focussed, but there is no guarantee.
First of all, I do need to say that I am doing worlds better than I was last year. In December of 2007, I stabbed myself in the stomach and almost ended my own life. Oddly enough, I wasn't even suicidal. I am a chronic cutter and I have been for the last 12 years and this knife just happened to be sharper than I thought. It was an accident, but that is not the point of this post. Later, I will write a post about that. The point is, that I am doing better. Unfortunately, it is sometimes hard tio remind myself that "better" is all I can do.
I have so much to deal with everyday. Frankly, its brutal. But thats the way it is and I won't stop fighting. People don't understand this. Last night, my friend got mad at me because I got upset when I saw one of the girls he is friends with. She is the sister of the devil (my abuser). I insulted the whole family and he got pissed off and called me a bitch. He was right. I apologized, but I said that I reserve the right to be a bitch in any matter that involves that damn bastard. I said I was sorry for insulting his friend when the devil was the only one I actually meant to insult. He is still angry with me and I feel aweful. I wasn't expecting this and it sprang on me and I reacted defensively.
Earlier tha day, I panicked when I saw a man walking toward me in the dark who looked like him. It wasn't him, but it still put me on guard and made me nervous. Survival mode kicks in and my reactions come faster than my logic does.
Honestly, I am not ok with the sister at all because she is connected to him. Also, this is ONLY a suspision, we think he may have hurt her too back when they were younger. I want to stay as far from her as possible. But, in the heat of the moment, I did not communicate that. Shit.
First of all, I do need to say that I am doing worlds better than I was last year. In December of 2007, I stabbed myself in the stomach and almost ended my own life. Oddly enough, I wasn't even suicidal. I am a chronic cutter and I have been for the last 12 years and this knife just happened to be sharper than I thought. It was an accident, but that is not the point of this post. Later, I will write a post about that. The point is, that I am doing better. Unfortunately, it is sometimes hard tio remind myself that "better" is all I can do.
I have so much to deal with everyday. Frankly, its brutal. But thats the way it is and I won't stop fighting. People don't understand this. Last night, my friend got mad at me because I got upset when I saw one of the girls he is friends with. She is the sister of the devil (my abuser). I insulted the whole family and he got pissed off and called me a bitch. He was right. I apologized, but I said that I reserve the right to be a bitch in any matter that involves that damn bastard. I said I was sorry for insulting his friend when the devil was the only one I actually meant to insult. He is still angry with me and I feel aweful. I wasn't expecting this and it sprang on me and I reacted defensively.
Earlier tha day, I panicked when I saw a man walking toward me in the dark who looked like him. It wasn't him, but it still put me on guard and made me nervous. Survival mode kicks in and my reactions come faster than my logic does.
Honestly, I am not ok with the sister at all because she is connected to him. Also, this is ONLY a suspision, we think he may have hurt her too back when they were younger. I want to stay as far from her as possible. But, in the heat of the moment, I did not communicate that. Shit.
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