Ug, my thoughts are so random and scattered that I have a hard time corraling them together. I suck at it when I am nervous or anxious. Sorry, but I'm not done yet.
I am still angry at my abuser. In fact, I actually hate him. It hasn't always been this way though. He was one of my best friends and I forgave him. Then, he did it again. I cared about him and I forgave him. Then, he did it again. We had mutual friends, so I forgave him and carried on around him like everything was ok. Then, he did it again.
See the cycle? I am done doing that. Everyday, I make myself hate him. For now, it is the only way I can protect himself. He is still around and I still see him. I have to hate him or I would let it all happen again. I have been told that this is wrong. I don't give a fuck what other people think. This is what works and this is what must be done for now. It won'y always be this way, but right now, I would rather hate him and be safe than forgive him and get fucked. Literally.
We have mutual friends, and I tried to protect them for a long time. I didn't want things to be awkward so I let them find middle ground between us. I never asked them to choose a side. I did not drag them into any of this.
Now, I have to realize something: what he did to me was wrong! There is no goddam middle ground or grey area! It was wrong! No more. I am done. Our mutual friends can all go fuck themselves. There is me and there is him. I will not coexizt with him. We are separate and there is no grey area about it. Unfortuantely, this means that I will lose a few friends. I am deeply saddened by that. It makes my eyes water because I love my friends. But they don't believe me and I choose to walk away.
You see, I do not have to do any of this. Technically, I could go on like before. I could even be friends with him again. I have shown myself to be more than capable of that in the past. I can do it. I choose not to. It isn't fair, it isn't right. I choose to be away from him. This includes our mutual friends and his goddam sister.
Thats the fucking end.
4 comments:
I am pleased you have said this; you are honouring yourself and your feelings.
F**k forgiveness. And as painful as it is, I dont think you can keep mutual friends, unless of course they stop seeing him.
Glad to hear you say that, because it makes me feel like a bitch.
Hello emerald_agony,
I can't say I understand, because I've never experienced anything quite like you have. All I can say is that I am very sorry. And that you are under no obligation to forgive anyone who has hurt you like that vermin.
If you forget everything else, please remember this:
No part of it was ever your fault. Abuse is always 100% the fault of the abuser. People who try to get you to think otherwise are abuse enablers.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to visit my blog and drop me a line anytime at the email address you'll find there.
Until then, I wish you the best of luck coping with the damage this evil slimeball inflicted.
You can climb back up out of the depths, one day at a time.
Yours truly,
Jeff Deutsch
Hey- I know how you've felt with wanting to act as if things were ok when it really isn't. He only did it to me once but I tried to maintain a sense of "normalcy" with him. This isn't possible though because you know deep down inside he did something that is so vile and so wrong. People don't understand. My friends don't understand either. I've never felt more isolated.
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