So Much

My thoughts right now are scattered everywhere, so I will try to stay focussed, but there is no guarantee.
First of all, I do need to say that I am doing worlds better than I was last year. In December of 2007, I stabbed myself in the stomach and almost ended my own life. Oddly enough, I wasn't even suicidal. I am a chronic cutter and I have been for the last 12 years and this knife just happened to be sharper than I thought. It was an accident, but that is not the point of this post. Later, I will write a post about that. The point is, that I am doing better. Unfortunately, it is sometimes hard tio remind myself that "better" is all I can do.
I have so much to deal with everyday. Frankly, its brutal. But thats the way it is and I won't stop fighting. People don't understand this. Last night, my friend got mad at me because I got upset when I saw one of the girls he is friends with. She is the sister of the devil (my abuser). I insulted the whole family and he got pissed off and called me a bitch. He was right. I apologized, but I said that I reserve the right to be a bitch in any matter that involves that damn bastard. I said I was sorry for insulting his friend when the devil was the only one I actually meant to insult. He is still angry with me and I feel aweful. I wasn't expecting this and it sprang on me and I reacted defensively.
Earlier tha day, I panicked when I saw a man walking toward me in the dark who looked like him. It wasn't him, but it still put me on guard and made me nervous. Survival mode kicks in and my reactions come faster than my logic does.
Honestly, I am not ok with the sister at all because she is connected to him. Also, this is ONLY a suspision, we think he may have hurt her too back when they were younger. I want to stay as far from her as possible. But, in the heat of the moment, I did not communicate that. Shit.