I Hurt

Everything I do feels like it requires a monstrous effort. The once simple act of getting out of bed or taking a shower has become nigh overwhelming. Typing sucks. Every second of my life is spent in pain. I do what I can to distract myself, but no matter what, I always hurt. My friends are great and we hang out and have fun, but even in midst of the action, I'm still in agony. I have pills, I talk to people, I see a phsychiatrist. I think I will hurt forever. Too much has happened, too much has been lost. I hurt.

Insomnia

My dreams are haunted. When I close my eyes, my thoughts go into overdrive and I can't stop them. Hundreds of blurred stories, half finished paragraphs, and things left unsaid all whiz in and out of my consciousness. Falling asleep has always been awful for me. I have had insomnia problems since early childhood. Sleep is a luxury I envy in others. Insomnia sucks.
Now, when I try to fall asleep, I see him. I reach the point of light sleep and then his voice sounds in my head or his face flashes into view. Then, I am jolted awake again. Sometimes, I have flashbacks. I wake up in the middle of the night hyperventalating, shaking uncontrollably, and scared beyond belief. It's like I said: my dreams are haunted.
Every single night of my life, I have to revisit the worst experiences of my life. It is torturous. I tried to tell my friends about it, but they don't understand. Some of them look me square in the eyes and tell me that I have to stop it. WHAT THE FUCK???? Everybody is more than ready to tell me how I am supposed to be, but none of them know how to get there. I am so fucking sick of people telling me how to feel. One guy in particular, he always tries to fix me but I have never asked him to.
Every night is dreadful. Every morning is worse.
I have to take medication to sleep. Unfortunately, the dreams still happen. But, when I am drugged up, I won't wake up as readily. In the morning, I feel shitty. That son-of-a-bitch won't get out of my head. I don't know what I dreamed about, but I know it was bad. My body still had the same reactions. Fear coursed through me. I may not remember dreams in specific, but in the morning, I always know if they took place. Even when I don't remember specifics, I feel shitty.
The whole thing is a catch-22. Ultimately, I am really doing is choosing the lesser of two evils. My body needs sleep, so I have to take the drugs, but the drugs frustrate the hell out of me.
Fuck. Shit. Ass. Damn. Hell.
Insomnia sucks, but forced sleep sucks too.

Don't Yell at Me

If you want to accomplish something with me, you absolutely cannot yell. There has been enough yelling in my lifetime for me and a couple of friends. My friend was angry, so he totally bitched me out. He came up with every fault in my character. The problem is that he was wrong. He was wrong! So many hurtful things were said, but I couldn't ever fight back. He just kept going. I am horrible at articulating when under diress. He knows this. I started crying. I reached out and touched his arm and cried out, "Stop! Stop! Please Stop!" He didn't stop. I begged him again and he still did not stop. Eventually, he decided he was done when he had me sobbing. He said he was sorry he took his anger out on me, but all of that was going to be said evntually anyhow.
The son-of-a-bitch justified himself. He ripped me apart and then he left me broken. This guy promised me that I was safe with him. He lied. I feel like I am bleeding while he is having dinner with some of his friends. Before, he told me that he would never be like one of my molestors. But, he rendered me powerless and exploited the situation for his own gain. I feel like shit.

Torrential Thought

"Stop! Please Stop! Please Stop! Quit it! Please listen to me and stop!"A torrent rushes through my head. It is comprised of only a few words put into every possible order. Still, the plea is simple: let go of me. The screaming in my head is pure cacophony and everything else is completely drowned out. One sound eventually pervades my screams: he is undoing his zipper. It takes me an instant to process the sound. I look down.
"No! No! No! Stop! Put that thing back! I don't want this! You are supposed to be my friend! What did I do wrong? No! No! Don't!" Every muscle in body is tense. My fingers are are white as they press against his chest straining in futile desperation to get away. He is skinny, lacking significant muscle mass, his chest should belong to a 10 year old boy rather than a college student. None of this matters though because, small though he is, he is still much bigger than me. I am losing.
"Shit. What will hapen now?"
I am changed forever.

Aftermath

Blessings turn to curses in an instant. One flash of time passes and I am changed forever. Trust is crushed like a brittle autumn leaf and the illusion of safety crumbles next to it. Everything is different. Every single breath becomes an effort. Breath: one of the most basic elements of life. Breath is natural; we don't have to think about it much because our bodies take care of it for us. But now, I feel every moment of inhaling and it hurts. My chest is heavy like it is being weighted down by some invisible dumbbell. It is stifling. I never imagined that it could be this painful to live.