My dreams are haunted. When I close my eyes, my thoughts go into overdrive and I can't stop them. Hundreds of blurred stories, half finished paragraphs, and things left unsaid all whiz in and out of my consciousness. Falling asleep has always been awful for me. I have had insomnia problems since early childhood. Sleep is a luxury I envy in others. Insomnia sucks.
Now, when I try to fall asleep, I see him. I reach the point of light sleep and then his voice sounds in my head or his face flashes into view. Then, I am jolted awake again. Sometimes, I have flashbacks. I wake up in the middle of the night hyperventalating, shaking uncontrollably, and scared beyond belief. It's like I said: my dreams are haunted.
Every single night of my life, I have to revisit the worst experiences of my life. It is torturous. I tried to tell my friends about it, but they don't understand. Some of them look me square in the eyes and tell me that I have to stop it. WHAT THE FUCK???? Everybody is more than ready to tell me how I am supposed to be, but none of them know how to get there. I am so fucking sick of people telling me how to feel. One guy in particular, he always tries to fix me but I have never asked him to.
Every night is dreadful. Every morning is worse.
I have to take medication to sleep. Unfortunately, the dreams still happen. But, when I am drugged up, I won't wake up as readily. In the morning, I feel shitty. That son-of-a-bitch won't get out of my head. I don't know what I dreamed about, but I know it was bad. My body still had the same reactions. Fear coursed through me. I may not remember dreams in specific, but in the morning, I always know if they took place. Even when I don't remember specifics, I feel shitty.
The whole thing is a catch-22. Ultimately, I am really doing is choosing the lesser of two evils. My body needs sleep, so I have to take the drugs, but the drugs frustrate the hell out of me.
Fuck. Shit. Ass. Damn. Hell.
Insomnia sucks, but forced sleep sucks too.
3 comments:
Insomnia does suck - I rarely have it but know enough people that do. I am sorry for you in that.
Your dreams are trying to tell you something though.
Thank you very much for your comment. It does mean a lot to know that I reach to someone.
I read your blog and I completely relate to what you are saying.
I am really sorry for what you have been trough. As you said, it just shouldn't happen to anyone.
The worse is how deep the consequences for us are. And as you said in one of the posts how difficult is to make others understand that we can't change how we feel, at least not just like that, not just by being told to, or wanting to.
It has always been very hard for me to hear those kind of things from other people. It made me feel...worthless in a sense. I think the process in my head would be something on the lines of: My feelings are wrong, I can't change them, should be straight forward to change, therefore I am useless. I feel those things so intensely, and they are such an important part of me and what I am that if they are wrong, that makes me "wrong" as in everything I am, feel, think, wish...
Not sure it makes sense but that is how it would make me feel.
Things do change with time though, but you never know how long it will be, or where will you end up.
The insomnia part, I can also really relate to. I get some good and bad periods of sleeping. I decided to stop taking medication for sleeping for the reasons you describe. It doesn't stop the bad dreams, the nightmares.
I would try to wake up to make it stop, but couldn't wake up properly, and I would relive it in a half asleep half awake state that felt even worse than the dream.
As you I went for the less bad option.
This is getting rather long, I should write in my blog if I want to talk about me. I guess I just wanted to share in order to show that you are not alone.
hang in there.
Reading this has actually put me in tears. I am so thankful to have people around who can understand. Here, I don't have to feel like an outcast. I will keep looking at your blog for updates. Thank you so much for existing! Even more thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I have never had somebody to talk to that actually understands this whole deal.
Thank you.
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